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[16 Nov 2008|01:45pm] |
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Hello to all, just a message that I am still alive and have not disappeared, I've been wanting to post for a while, just haven't gotten around to it with school, Work, Criminal minds...busy. Work is good, has it been a month or almost a month already? I am so much happier there than I was at Svetlana's...it is unbelievable. I am so not used to being...well, like this. Not breaking down twice or more a week, not stressing out over every tiny little thing. My laptop died a day before my ipod, the same week that I had three assignments due, but I didn't break down, nor want to kill myself or anyone else...I just did, and am doing, what I have to do. I never believed that I would...be like this...I don't have words to explain it...not happy, not calm...don't know...for a while I thought, and still sometimes thing that maybe there is something wrong with me and I am just numb, but on the other hand, maybe God sent me this as a message to show me how strong I am and how capable I am of handling things. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That is one of my strongest beliefs and without that I would not have that much in life (Isn't that similar to what Garcia said in 3x09?) Basically...I'm pleasantly surprised.
Talked to fucking Dell yesterday for 3 hours, see, last week they said that I'd have a box within 1-2 days. 8 days, no box. I hate them. They pass you to 98 different people...gahhhhhhh, but they say that by this Wednesday I will have the box and the laptop a bit over a week later...let's see if it works...
I got a ticket to visit Tania this winter!!! January 1-4.
Speaking of winter, 6-8 inches of snow are expected within 24 hours. Not sure that it will happen, since it is above freezing and not really snowing now, but we will see....
Thankfully my pc has been wonderful, you know, it needs its restarts every few hours, but it has been behaving, as long as I turn off certain programs that eat it's brain *cough*emule*cough*
I just finished my drama essay draft, or at least I think I did, My ending makes not much sense and it feels choppy. *pokes Synne who has company now but will come online later but am poking anyway*.
My father is coming to visit in 2 weeks. I am not cleaning for him this year. I'm keeping them under the impression that I have much more schoolwork than I do. I will clean FOR ME before he comes, but that is IT. Last year I spent a WEEK cleaning for him, and his only comment in my apartment was "this is gross". Fuck it. I told my mom and she said ok, I'll tell him either not to go in or not to say anything...I really can deal without him coming. Free groceries and clothes are nice and all, but I work and can buy my own, and really I'd rather buy my own than spend 12 hours of a Sunday with him...
Anyway, gonna watch some criminal minds, make lunch...pea soup maybe?
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[13 Mar 2007|01:56pm] |
guys, im at a paid com in atlanta airport, no time, wont let me into my email. i got in safly. am covered inn caat pee, will try to find normal com asap, hopefully tonight in cleveland, dont promise.
plase tell me whats happen9iing at labbers, i have no time to check things...going nuts but happy t be here. love you all
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[06 Feb 2007|09:56pm] |
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tell the king- the libertines |
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If someone has a problem with me can they please tell me? It would make life alot easier.
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[27 Jan 2007|02:41pm] |
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IM FEELING BETTER!!!
much better. i just needed to explode i guess, and i had enough things to set me off.
im still very confused about valerie, of course, but her mexican husband with mob connections shouldnt scare me...im actually planning on emailing him in a few days to see if he found her (i DO care, but i wont let it eat me)
as for my intestines, not great, but a drop better
(![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) weare20-פעם הראשונה בחיים שלי שנהנתי ללכת לשירותים, אפילו שלא היה הרבה, לפחות אני יכולה לאכול מתוך רעב ולא מתוך חובה(
ill know about my dissability check tomorrow , in the meantime, RELAX.
im sorta upset about something, but i know that i shouldnt be, i feel unwelcome at labs, and i know that its not true do i?, but i have to deal with my fears. I am listening to moira_fae11's advice to lighten things up,and brass and vartann had some fun...thank Henry for me for the prank :p ok? as i said, im not a quitter, and ill deal with my insecurities. i just hope that people except me how i am and that i am trying to change. the last thing that i want is to be is an energy theif, cause i refuse to put others through what i went through.
as for writing, Clarissani (fotget your full screen name at the moment) helped me a bit with some timps, in between talking about life and replying to each other on labs. 1 story (the post redrum one is more or less planned. for the vartann backstory i now have not 2 but 3 options. one isnt exactly labsbased, one is a labs!fic, and one is a labs!AU...dont know which to do...its all the same story, but its either just vartann, vartann with david or vartann with brass...someone help me here?)
the post redrum story will either be rather simple, or very complicated...im waiting to hear from someone.
and theres this weird community that i might join, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) a_little_murder. dont know if its right for me, but if i do get in, i can really develop vartann there. the rules are strange, and they work cases, and the pairings are a bit different than labs, and there arent even that many of them. AND, i dont know who plays eqach person, cause they all have character journals...
anyway, thanks for putting up with my shit today, time for lunch, which im actually going to enjoy.
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[12 Nov 2006|05:46pm] |
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i need advice!
its happening again. a spider the size of china in my house.
the first 3 times, right when i moved here, i was freaked out.
the other day when i was cleaning i convieniently found one in a plastic cup and got rid of it.
before i was trying to watch a (rather boring) movie, and i saw out of the corner of my eye that harry was staring at the wall. on the wall was another one of those spiders.
now its hiding under the closet. i tried to sweep it out, but i couldnt find it.
i dont want harry to eat it. what if its poisonous???
but i have to go to group today, i told mom that i would take aviv...
WHAT DO I DO????????????
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[23 Oct 2006|04:20am] |
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sax and violins-talking heads |
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i didnt write that i also talked to ariel yesterday!!! i finally caught him when he wasnt at work. hes happy, wroking hard, and it seems that one of the few things that bothers him is the transvestite next door, who appointed my charming and outgoing brother as his psychologist.
ariel will be back in january...he really will go according to his plans. cooking school here in israel...he said that he will move back there in a few years probably though.
he told me what are good times to call...thank god for cheap calls!
today i have shalatz (ugh) then im gonna kill yaron. as of next week, there is no group on monday night. he is irresponsible and it is way too much for me to do alone. a service team is supposed to be 5 people, we are 2, 1 who never shows, the other (me) who doesnt know how to opperate anything there...all the financial records and stuff.
well, his problem, not mine.
and tomorrow is tuesday!!! i smail when i think about tuesday...
does anyone know what thursday is??? 3 guesses...(clue-something ive been waiting for for a whole year and is out of town)
another thing, i did some work on my new story (well, part 3 of 3 of my old one) yesterday...basically what is left is to write some playful arguing that leads up to a sex scene, and to close it up, but i have no clue as to how i will close it up...( its supposed to be nicky getting better and all that, but how do i go from the day of the forst meeting with the dr...ill figure something out)
cant believe i updated at 6:30 am. mustve really fallen on my head :)
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[16 Oct 2006|12:47pm] |
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by the way- red hot chilli peppers |
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i will be friend locking any updates that i make in the next few days, as i am under threat. if you are not on my f-list and want to be, comment.
never hurts to be careful.
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[14 Oct 2006|04:51pm] |
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saturdays and holidays-yehudit ravitz |
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[10 Oct 2006|01:03am] |
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im tired, but i told myself before that i will write, so i will.
just something small that is making me crazy.
dr L confused me today. (thank god that he exists. do any of you know how much i love him?:)
anyway, a few weeks ago, he told me that my problem is that i have a brain, but no wisdom (i guess it means a brain but no mind, i still dont really get it, but it is a common sentence in hebrew, that basically means that i am smart and i dont use it enough, which i agree with)
so today,i was getting ready to go, and i said
M'thanks, i feel alot better.
he said' Lof course, thats the point my friend. if you didnt feel better, well, you wouldnt have a reason to come here'
then i saidM'yeah. i used to not feel better when i came, but as you say, i changed alot.
L if you knew how much, youd be in shock
M i really dont know how much
L ask someone objective, ask orna. shell tell you
M i dont know if she really noticed.
all of a sudden, he started laughing hysterically. i asked him, what? he said 'remember we were talking about wisdom? go home' and kept laughing like a lunatic
i was very confused by theni said yeah, youre still trying to tell me that i dont have any? he kept laughing and said, YOU have wisdom. i said ok, so orna doesnt. ?and he just laughed harder. i said, i dont get it. he said 'ill tell you next week'
i hate when people do that. start something and say ill tell you next week. it was conmfusing, but fun, anyway, as i was leaving i said that i still dont understand half the joke, and he said again that he'll tell me next week. then, he said, check your head, ytou have wisdom, and went back into his office.
can someone explain what he meant?
for background, orna is the secretary of the center where dr L and ben work. shes nice, but smiles too much. she is about 40, and has short hair that varies between bleach blonde and bright pink. if i remember correctly, was her hair purple once?
anyway, ive known her also for 2 years exactly...i stil;l dont get what hios poiunt was.
weare20, did i tell you that dr L needs to be hospitalized in an emergency? he cuts his fingernails twice a day. with a regular scissors. at 2 pm, and at 8 pm. no one (not even he) knows why.
i told you that he has 12 pipes, but did i tell you that he drinks at least 15 cups of tea a day even in the summer?
oh, and he has 2 grandchildren now. the youngest is a week old.
on a more serious note. he is one of the only 2 people that i trust with my life( and he is the only one who is alive). there is one more person, who i trust, and i know that she would never intentionally hurt me but its a bit complicated... weare20 knows her.
him and eli are the only 2 men who i know, that they would NEVER even think of trying to touch me in a sexual way. thats how they are, which is a very rare thing. and i appreciate that they are like that
ill keep ranting about him another time.
i
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[06 Oct 2006|07:25pm] |
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wouldnt it be good-nik kershaw |
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i just wrote for half an hour and it all got erased, fuck it. i had so much to say and now i dont have patience.
in short:
1. i went to eli when tamar was at dani. i told him everything and he listened
2. i was in absolute shock and still am, that avner, AVNER of all people, likes csi.2 hours before he told me, i told tamar on the phone that chani and i are the only ptrole who i know who love both eli and csi.
avner doesnt LOVE csi, but hes close enough. tamar wont watch it if her life depends on it, moshe hadnt heard of it till me...so there is someone else who likes them both. cool. i was so happy that i was bouncing all around after group. he doesnt know who david is though, after all, he is avner, i cant expect too much, but he is a good person, and one of the few who in the worst times, yold me that he was proud of me thta i stuck with eli and kept trying to help him, when everyone else abandoned him.
3. i slept 2 hours las night. i just got caught up in a million things, once the happiness passed tyhere was depression also...and by the time i had tallked to robin (i love thursday nights!) talked to tomer on icq (even though i wasnt in the mood) eaten and sunk in depression for an hour, it was 4. i thought i wouldnt sleep, why sleep 2 houjrs, but i figured that when it comes to the cemetary, its better to go on little sleep than none. i was right. tamar also slet 2 hours.
4. i came home, downloaded toe tags, while it was downloading i slept for 4 hours, watched it---it was good. david wasnt in it which upset me, of course, but it was well done, interesting, and brass was great, had some good lines (ill bet my right arm that thats his left arm) go brass!. they really could have put david in. i am in love with that guy.
5. auntie jan called an hour ago. i love her. she is so honest and down to earth, the complete opposite of mom. she understands me. she agrees that my parents took their problems out on us. she wishes that she could have done something, but she tried. i told her that i appreiciate the fact that she knows the truth. dr l and ben know me and listen to me, but they dont know my family. she does, but truth is, no one knows what goes on in my head and how fucked up my thoughts are.
6. im still nervous about moving, but im excited.
7. i appreciate those who read here. i write here because it is hard for me to talk, im never in the right mood, and when i talk to a person, my thoughts come out all wrong. i write here as if i am writing to myself (but if i write on paper and out it in a drawer, it will all still be in my heart, at least here i can get stuff out) and people do see it, and i am thankful to those who do.
8. did i ever tell anyone how much i love harry? hes sleeping now. he crossed his legs and his tail is moving. he has such a personality even when he sleeps :D
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[04 Oct 2006|11:46pm] |
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nico- the cult |
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im not in a great mood. im enotionally drained. yesterday was a better day than today, but i hope to do a "happy rant" (yeah, yeaterdays rant was whhat i consider happy) soon.
today it all started out with my cigarettes falling out of my bag on the way to work, then the super of course not selling single boxes, and gilad, the gift store guy downstairs, not having normal cigarettes, so i had to get LM (i considered nor smoking for 7 hours till i got home, but the thought of it sent me into a panic attack, which is why i cant quit yet. i think ill wait till im 40).
then finding out that im off work for a few days, cause of the fucking holidays...why do we jews have to have so many fucking holidays?? all the drs are on vacation and there is no filework. i like being hoime, but i need the hours at work. i have to call miri tomorrow and she'll tell me if i come in on sunday. worst case is that ill be off for a week, but thats a week's less pay, which sucks.
then i misguessed miris age. out loud. we were all talking about ages. im the olddest of the "little ppl" mor is 21, shlomit 20, oshrit just turned 19, esti 22...nira and diana are the "old ladies" the bitch nira is 50something and diana is 30somwthing and miri and hadar who are the supervisors...........miri asked me how old i think she is, and i said 31. shes 26. that was bad. really bad. embarassing. its bad to think a woman is older than she is. she acts older and is married and has 2 kids........and of course queen bitch clarit whos 60something, but yeah, in short i misguessed miris age, and ii hate making stupid mistakes.
then i ended up talking to tomer on icq for 2 hours. i never met the guy. tamar gave him my icq# when she was here cause she wanted to send him a link, but we ended up talking, and i got sucked into the middle of a drama.......hes in love with her, and she likes him as a friend......one of those situations, but turns out hes really nice, and he knew eli and respects eli, s0o that gives him points in my book. anyone who respects eli deservesrespect. and he thinks of the society here thew same way i do, he has lived in the states and here and understands whyii want to leave. no one else really gets it, cause they are so caught up in society that they dont realize what a bunch of primitive idiots this country is. i consideer myself israeli, but i have the mentality of anamerican, which really makes me crazy here. i believe in quiet and in breathing and in respect, and there is not enough of that here.
then i had an energy battle with moshe. my energy allready being low... it was just a misunderstanding really, i was terying to tell him that something he did bothered me, and i threw in a line for emphasis, and he didnt get it...also, he is very hard to explain things to, as much as i love him, he seems to almost try not to understand things sometimes.
then taql came over. i wanted to say no when he announced that hes coming, its been a long day, and i wasnt feeling social (not that i ever am, but hes not a social person either) and also i have no energy, im off antidepressants for a week (switching to something new in a few days) so im not exactly stable, and i really doidnt feel like dealing with "the thing" dont know what to call it really, with tal, but he was here, and we just talked. he wanted more, but when something has no name and im not stable i run away from it...........thats a whole other can of worms that i dont feel like getting into right now, considering that its almost 2 am and i just ate dinner (yeah, again i forgot to eat till i almost fainted)
anyway.........that was my day. on a happier note-----> i have had worse days. much worse.
tomorrow will be better. i can sleep late and i have no plans, other than group in the evening, kobi has 2 years clean and i havent seen him and ages and shmulik and tamar will be there too. on friday tamar and i are going to the cemetary. i just went, but she is celebrating 3 years on saturday (almost everyone became clean in the fall, i dont know why. me, shmulik and sagiv are in the winer, 3, 4, and 5 years respectively.) and wants to see her friend dani, and wont go alone. its gonna be weird to go without seeing eli, but dani is an hour walk from where eli is. ive been there 7 times in the last 10 and a half months, and only went to eli, other than the time that i went with tamar and we went to her grandmother and her friend anton on the way out. from eli. its hard. i really miss eli.......
anyway, yeah thats it. i really have to think about sleep.
oh, helena_eternal, ill grab the gay rights thing from you tomorrow, its late now, but i will put it up allthough i think that you are the only lj user who reads here...(but once i tell korbjaeger that im updating she'll come here too i think :)
thursday nights are fun.
goodnight!
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| ITS ABOUT TIME... |
[03 Oct 2006|06:12pm] |
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its time to update. i finally have what to say, and alot of it.
i dont know who reads this, or if anyone does. so i guess im sorta writing this for me, and if anyone wants to see, cool.
if anyone is here, well, you probably know-im moving.
im march.
to cleveland.
why move? many reasons. i need to get out of this country., i feel that i have so much to learn, and that i am capable of so much more than what i am doing, and in this primitivew shithole i will never get anywhere. i feel that the primitivity is swallowing me alive.
Eli passed away almost a year ago, chani and i are only in touch through emails now anyway, and they were my reason for staying.
as much as i love moshe, tamar, leon and mom, there are emails, phones, planes.
i need my freesom. i feel choked. by the country, by society, by the weather and by mmom.
she has to realize that i am 23, not 3, and unlike gavri, i am independent and can grow. she wants to hold me back like she does to him. i have been living out of her house for 4 years, sorta, and permanently for 2 years, and renting my own place for a year almost. its time to keep going.
finally, after 23 fucking years of living in the shell that they (and me) put me in (worthless syupid bitch who has no chance, will never succeed, selfish, idiot............................and more) I STARTED TO BELIEVE IN ME!!! to belive that i CAN, that i have a chance... i dont know if others (my friends and
]hose arounf me) see how much it means to me that i actually started to believe. cause i talk, but i dont say much. but really. i think about the fact that finally i started to see that io have a chance and i want to cry from happiness. hapiness that THEY didnt win afterall. even after all these years of shit...
ANYWAY...................
why cleveland? it has what i need. its on the east, the weather's good, rent' prices arent bad, and its a big city. where there are jews there are israelis..whatever. seems like a cool place. i cant do pittsburgh or charlotte, cause as much as i love auntie jan, as of yetr i dont have a liscenece and public trans in charlotte is awful and the weather is too hot. compared that what my mental health calls for.cleveland doesnt seen that bad. and pittsburgh? do i have to answer, well i will. 3 words: gandma, grandpa, and auntie ellen. i am leaving here to get away from mom, and they are worse, in their own way, but i will be close enough to pgh to see amy, barry sara and shoshana once and a while, which is great. i felt so alive with them last winter or maybe it was just that i felt alive in the states in the winter, but they are great.
things i must do before i go
1. health insurance. figure something out. antidepressants..........i dont really have a choice. im gonna call the jewish family service of cleveland tomorrow or thursday, hopefully they will have advice for me about that, and about a place to stay until i find an appartment.
2. find a place to stay before finding an appartment.
3. HARRY---> mom will send him over when i find an appartment, but i have to figure out if they will need to quarantine him, and how to get him from new york to cleveland...and all that stuff. im not leaving my baby here. harry is part of me. ive only had him for 3 months, but he is a big part of me.
i have more to say, but considering the amount of time it took me to write this (it got erased twice, and i also showered and ate while i was writing) i hope to continue in the near future.
vgfffffd
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[03 Oct 2006|05:13pm] |
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Title: Dont Be Scared 1/2
Fandom: CSI LV
Pairing:David/Nick slash
Rating: PG-13
I dont own them.
Takes place directly after Grave Danger.
Prompt #73 Return 100_situations
A/N- Haven't written in a while mostly because of computer problems, but writers block and low self esteem are a factor. Thanks to SidLer and </a></strong></a>korbjaeger for giving me strength to write. And </a></strong></a>helena_eternal for offering to help even when busy.</font></font>
Please read and comment.
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[02 Jul 2006|02:12pm] |
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Titile: Follow Chapter 3/5 or 6
David/Nick slash
Rating: R (Maybe a drop higher)- language, sex
They don't belong to me.
Summary: David tells Nick abot LA
TONS OF THANKS TO SIDLER. Thanks you for helping me get unstuck, and for letting me bounce ideas off you :)
You did more for me than what you know.
Sorry this took so long. I was STUCK!!!
Cross posted to 100_situations. Prompt #9 Cheat
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[27 Jun 2006|12:27am] |
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Title: Follow Chapter 4/5 (I think that there will be 5)
They do not belong to me.
Rating: R- language, sex, violence
Warning: Rape, non-con
Summary: David continues telling Nick
THANKS TO SIDLER!!!!! (Oh, I made a small referance to "THE HE" :lol:)
This will be somehow inserted in the 100_situations table that I rediculously signed up for because I heard it yelling at me. I do not know how to write links to other lj comms here. Sorry.
Prompt #55 Crime
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[17 Jun 2006|04:05pm] |
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- You've got a personality
We'll throw you in the sea and watch you drown
Dumb it down
Your concentration span's too long
It's longer than this song, that's not allowed
Dumb it down
You don't need books to know what's what
We'll pile them up and burn them to the ground
Dumb it down
And if you say that we're corrupt
We'll round you up and run you out of town
Dumb it down
Down and down and down it goes
Where it stops nobody knows
And not a lot of people seem to care
Well it's so crazy, it's so great
We can all communicate
But no one's saying anything out there
Is there anybody out there?
Intelligence is dangerous
A virus of the brain you pass around
Dumb it down
We'll vaccinate each boy and girl
Lobotomise the world through sight and sound
Dumb it down
No one can tell you what to think
And if you think that's true then you're a clown
Dumb it down
'Cause freedom's wasted on the free
You just don't see the beauty all around
Dumb it down
Down and down and down we slide
It's too tricky to decide
Between channels one and sixty-three
'Cause everything is mindless fluff
Like this world's not dumb enough
Does anybody feel the same as me?
Is there anybody listening?
found this on walla music. where else?
the world is even more corrupt than what it says here
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[16 Jun 2006|10:57am] |
i found this song on cinaed's fic and am putting it here to remember it
Nothing to Lose by Billy Talent
Need more friends with wings
All the angels I know
Put concrete in my veins
I’d always walk home alone
So I became lifeless
Just like my telephone
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
Never played truth or dare
I’d have to check my mirror
To see if I’m still here
My parents had no clue
That I ate all my lunches
Alone in the bathroom
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain
Teach us that it’s just a phase
When I grow up my children
Will probably do the same
Kids just love to tease
I know it put me under ground
At seventeen
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
And I just died today
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[16 Jun 2006|10:16am] |
csi-csi:david/nick:1:pabzi
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